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The Legend of Smellda
Thingy of Time
Script


Written By:
Adam
 
The screen shows Hyrule, zooms to Link riding a tricycle through Hyrule field. Navi is following behind.
Goes to in front of Link.
Link: Hey Navi, can you grant me 3 wishes? You’re a fairy after all.
Navi: NO! For the last time, Link, I don’t grant wishes.
Link thinks a while.
Link: Please, pretty please, with Lon Lon Milk on top?
Navi flies to other side.
Navi: *breathes* ok.
Navi holds a magic wand.
Navi: Tingle-Tingle, Kooloo LIMPAH.
Immediately Tingle is up ahead on a balloon. He doesn’t look happy.
He lands, and says in a gangster voice
Tingle: I thought I told you not- *cocks gun* to steal my words.
Tingle: Unless I get some compensation, I might sue.
Link: NEVER!
DBZ fight, Link’s and Tingle’s hair become huge.
Tingle: Oh no! I cannot defeat that hair gel you’re using.
Link: I use Tresseme.
Tingle leaves, and then suddenly it turns to night.
Link: What the…? How’s it night so fast?
A horse with Impa and Zelda ride by.
Zelda takes the Ocarina of Time and chucks it at Link.
Link barks like a dog and catches it in the mouth.
Link wiggles his head like a dog with a toy.
Navi: Down boy!
Link drops it and starts digging.
Suddenly, lightning strikes, and Ganondorf comes, riding on a horse.
Ganondorf: I lost them. Hey kid! Where’s that horse that just rode by?
Link drools, and says “Uh… I dunno.
Navi: I’m sorry, mister. Link is extremely dumb.
Ganondorf: Uh… ok. Fear my power!
Navi: Wait…what did we do?
Ganondorf makes a dementor fly from the air.
Ganondorf: Whoops, wrong character.
The dementor flies away looking for Harry Potter.
Ganondorf tries to shoot out a lightning bolt, but it fizzes and dies.
Ganondorf looks at his finger, which has a + and – sign on it, like a battery.
Ganondorf: Damn, I gotta get a new battery.
Ganondorf rides away.
 
Temple of Time Pt I
Navi and Link walk into the temple.
Link takes out the Spiritual Stones.
Link: What do I do now?
Navi: Put those on the table right there, on the hollowed areas.
Link does so, but there are four areas.
Link: Navi! There are four areas. I need another stone.
A light bulb appears over Link’s head. He lays his head on the fourth area.
Link: Now to play the Song of Time!
Link whips out an electric guitar, and starts playing, until he realized he can’t play.
The door starts opening anyway.
Navi: What? You had to play the Song of Time! How did the door open?
Link: Because Adam, the writer of this crap, couldn’t go five minutes without a joke.
Navi: When we get out of this mess, I’m gonna hunt him down and murder him.
Link: I’ll come too. He drew me really bad.
 
Temple of Time Pt II
Link walks into the shrine of the Master Sword. He gazes at it, and then reads what’s engraved on it.
Link: Made in China?
Immediately, he grabs the Master Sword and falls asleep. So does Navi.
 
7 Years Later
Link and Navi wake up, and Link’s clothing is ripped. (Rauru didn’t give him the gauntlets, leggings, etc.) He’s holding his tiny Deku shield with a pinky, has a beer belly, and a small beard. He touches his ear, to find it pierced.
Link: Holy crap! When did this happen?
Rauru appears out of nowhere.
Camera tilts to side to see both of them.
Rauru: Heh, I couldn’t help myself. Listen Link, you are the Hero of Time, I am the Sage of Light, here’s the Medallion, blah blah blah blah blah.
1 Hour later.
Rauru: and that’s what you must do, bye. He disappears.
Link: Wow.
Navi: Yeah, I know. We have to do all that?
Link: No, I said ‘Wow’ because I can’t believe I skipped puberty! Then again, I never really expected to have it in the first place. Seven years ago my voice was like a mouse and, Kokiri’s don’t grow up.
Link hears a voice behind him:
Sheik: Hello, Hero of Time. I’m here to guide you.
Link turns around.
Link: Zelda! Is that you? You look so hot in leather *whistles*
Sheik is dressed in black leather.
Sheik: Damn, I thought this disguise was good. Anyways, Link, you must take these directions.
She hands Link directions.
 
Forest Temple (Outside)
The camera is facing the temple; Link and Navi are on the Triforce stand thingy.
Link: Who knew I could get a Hookshot from seeing White Noise?
*Flashback*
Navi and Link are in a theater with Dampe’s ghost
*End of Flashback*
Navi is shaking.
Navi: No… more…scary movies… *screams*
Link uses his Hookshot to get up on top, and Navi flies along.
 
Dungeon shots
Shot of Link at the Kokiri Village. Michael Jackson is chasing little kids.
Shot of Link at the “Whack-a-Dragon” Game.
Shot of Link battling a water fountain. (The line behind him is annoyed.)
Shot of Link with vacuum sucking up ghosts. Luigi is there, looking confused.
Shot of Link in desert, crawling on the sand, thirsty.
 
Temple of Time (Inside)
Navi: Well, looks like we got all the Medallions and saved all the Sages.
Link: What? *points at Navi in rage* I got all the Medallions. You just flew around, shouting ‘Hey’ and ‘Listen’ and ‘Watch Out’ while I did all the hard work! You even had popcorn while I battled the bosses!
Camera pans to back of Zelda, (not Sheik) watching them bicker.
Zelda: Link.
Link: Shut up, Zelda!
Zelda gasps, and then holds out the Light Arrows.
Zelda: Well, I was going to give you these Light Arrows to beat Ganondorf, but I guess you can kiss my ass! *Smacks her booty*.
Ganondorf’s Voice: Heh heh heh… don’t mind if I do, Princess Zelda.
Zelda, Navi, and Link look up in surprise.
Ganondorf’s Voice: You thought you could hide yourself from me, Zelda. You thought you could suppress your feelings. But today, I’ve found you. And when I’m done with you, you will have lost your life-and your virginity.
Camera pans on Link’s face.
Link: NOOOO!
Ganondorf: And yet you are another thorn in my side. But there’s enough love to go around… Heheheheh!
Link and Zelda have that Japanese sweat drop on their foreheads.
Operator’s Voice: This is a collect call. If you would like to continue talking, please press 5. *Phone number tone*.
Ganondorf’s Voice: Yes, yes, where was I? Oh yes. Sorry, but I only have enough magic to teleport one of you to my castle. I need to save my ‘magic’ for bed. Ha ha ha!
The camera pans to side shot, where all the characters are visible.
Zelda screams as a beam of light traps her, and she disappears.
Navi: Oh no! We have to save her!
Link: Oh no, we don’t. I’m not getting the time of my life from Ganondorf! I’ll get HIV!
 
Final Battle
Link and Navi approach the door.
Link: You better be right about me saving Zelda. Or else I wouldn’t be here.
The open the door, and walk into the room.
Ganondorf is playing the organ, and then looks behind him and stops playing.
Ganondorf: Well, you’ve come for me, haven’t you? All right.
Ganondorf makes a bed come from nowhere.
Link: Uh, Ganondorf, how about showing me that electric thing again?
Ganondorf: All right, I just got new batteries too!
The camera goes to Navi.
Navi: Looks like I better get some popcorn! I mean, Link! His ‘evil rays’ or something prevent me from getting close. You’ll have to kill him by yourself-again!
The camera zooms on Ganondorf, and he rises into the air. A lightning bolt comes out and flies at Link. The camera follows the bolt. Link hits it back, but Ganondorf hits it back again. Link hits it back to Ganondorf, and this time, Ganondorf is hit.
The camera goes to Navi, who is wearing a #1 glove with popcorn.
Up above, the camera zooms on Zelda, who’s in a crystal.
Zelda: Link! Take these Light Arrows!
Zelda tosses the Light Arrows, but they don’t get very far, and land on Ganondorf’s platform.
The camera is on Ganondorf. He picks up the arrows and begins studying them. He holds them backwards, and pulls the bow.
Ganondorf: Hmm, I wonder what this does.
Ganondorf shoots himself, and then Link rushes and slashes him with the Master Sword.
Ganondorf screams like a girl, and drops dead. He holds up a white flag.
Suddenly, the castle starts to fall apart.
Zelda is lowered down in her crystal, and is released.
Zelda: Link! The tower is going to collapse.
Link: No duh!
Link points at an elevator.
Link: Let’s go there.
They get in the elevator and zoom down.
When they reach the bottom, they go to the other side of the remains and watch the tower fall.
Suddenly, Ganondorf bursts out of the remains. He pops a Mento into his mouth and becomes Ganon.
Ganon is surrounded by a light as he turns into a pig with two daggers.
Ganon: Oink oink.
The camera goes to Link.
Link: This’ll be too easy.
The camera goes to a sideshot of them, as Link hits Ganon with the sword.
Link: We’ll be having bacon tonight!
The camera goes to Zelda.
Navi: Actually, just kill him, Link.
The sideshot of Ganon and Link is almost close up.
Link grabs his Master Sword and sticks it in Ganon.
Ganon explodes.
Navi flies above.
Navi: That battle was too fast! I didn’t even finish my popcorn.
Link: So, what now? It’s over? Hooray!

 Written By: Adam
 Date Submitted: April 28th, 2007

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